Didn’t sleep great last night at all. While I remained in bed, it took hours to fall asleep and then I kept waking up and taking forever to get back to sleep. Seems the Ativan works best for sleep when I also vape weed in the evening. Going to try without again tonight and see what happens.
I did manage to transplant my plants today and make a quick bite. Outside of that this is a dud day, so tired mentally, physically, and emotionally. I wish I could just be at peace.
Took Ativan and went to bed about an hour later. There was no more sleep in me than if I had a good night sleep and was waking in the morning. My mind was going in circles (as usual) I thought I would journal some of the thoughts that were going on in my head.
- How can I make it to my in-person therapy session tomorrow?
- What do I wear?
- How about my hair?
- What is he going to do with me that requires in person.
- Are we going about this therapy correctly?
- I think I have Complex Childhood Trauma
- I realize I do often dissociate.
- I had so many signs of anxiety as a small child
- Going to bed every night burying my head in my pillow so as when the lady came in my dream, she would think I was dead and wouldn’t kill me
- Shouldn’t we be starting at the beginning of my life and getting everything, we can out so we can deal with it going forward
- I used to be so good and hiding and burying and not feeling.
- It now comes up randomly and hurts.
- I feel like I am going to crack up
- Cousin wants us to go camp in her trailer – I can’t.
- Daughter wants me to go to pet expo in June with her – I can’t. Did think about it and if I could hide myself with a mask I may be able to do it
- Why am I so desperate to hide myself?
- NP in person appt Monday how is that going to work – does she think I am fit to go back to work. What happens then?
- OT coming here next week. That is hard for me to accept. I am accepting it because I need help. I want to be better I want to function but at the same time I am embarrassed and can not believe that my life has come to this. I need someone to teach me how to shower? Clean my house? Do laundry? I already know how yo do these things. I have done them for many many years. What I need help with it the motivation, energy, desire and gumption to do it. My brain won’t allow it, my body wont allow it and I have come to learn that unless you experience this from your own experience You Have No Idea how it feels. People ask why? I don’t know the answer if I did I could change it.
- Do I try longer to go to sleep and let my brain run away with me?
- Do I get up and then get tired when it is to late to sleep.
- What if I miss my therapy appointment
- FUCK THIS IS Hard
Up I get – sitting with my fan trying not to go to the bad dark places.
Hope it isn’t to late.
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